Maybe, just maybe. But probably not.

I am a mere eight days away from my first photography class.  I am still excited, but as the days pass, I become more and more anxious.  Anxiety is not good.  Anxiety leads to questions, doubts and fears.  This is how it always starts with me.  Though I do admit I pull some encouragement from the fact that it has taken me a few weeks to get to this step.  I have usually already gone through this step in my dreams within hours of first fleshing out my ideas.  So maybe I will weather this one for the long haul.  Maybe, just maybe I will actually be good enough to call myself a photographer, instead of, "Guy with camera, too much time."

I've already made a mental list of items I will want or need over the coming months/years just to be successful.  I then broke those down into four more lists of things I will need soon, things I will want soon, things I will eventually need, but could function on some level without them, and finally, things I will have to have just to take the next series of classes.  Next to those lists I made a mental note of all the things I need for the family and home.  Chalk that up to the fact that I haven't gotten a call back from the application I submitted to the kids; school system and I'm kind of freaking out.  There's a LOT of money to be spent on photography.  Thank God I at least don't have to worry about the cost of film and chemicals for processing.  Maybe it will all work out.  Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to find a good deal on what is actually needed; and I can become good enough to actually call myself a photographer.

Then there's the whole thought process of people telling me I'm wasting my money on classes.  They tell me I should read books, check out websites and read forums.  But I've done a lot of that.  And I really didn't retain nearly as much as I wish I had.  I've forgotten more than I actually knew before I started, I think.  Perhaps it's that old artist adage of being my own worst critic.  That's probably true.  I hate even my own self, let alone the work I have produced in the past.  The one thing I created that I absolutely loved above all my other works was stolen from my locker my senior year of high school.  A little part of me is proud that it was good enough to be stolen.  But the other part of me really wishes I could look at it again from time to time.  So through all this there is that voice, getting louder as the classes near, telling me I won't be good enough, I won't remember what I need to remember, and I will some how have wasted my father's money because I won't come out of the instruction any better.  Maybe my mind will focus and I'll get some really good teaching.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll come out the other end smarter, better than I was when I went in; and I can call myself a photographer.

What I really need...or maybe just want, I dunno, is someone that is deep into photography to talk to me.  Someone possibly that I don't even know yet.  I don't want family.  I love you guys, but honestly, you're hardwired to placate my pessimistic and self-depriciating side.  You find what you like in the pictures and say "Oh I like that," or "That's a nice one."  I want a crictic.  Someone that can look at each picture and say what they like, what I did right, and where I can improve.  I don't really want friends in that role either.  Maybe I have too many sarcastic friends.  Both of them. But they love telling me I suck.  It's all for laughs, and I know this.  I just need an honest, but balanced opinion.  That way, maybe I can improve.  And maybe, just maybe I can become a photographer.  But probably not.