I don't know what I was thinking. I rarely have enough discipline to do things on a daily basis when they HAVE to get done. But to sit down and write when I don't even feel like it? Bah. Forget it. You can tell, too. The entries are pathetic. A couple paragraphs, poorly constructed and barely scratching the depth of what the questions ask.
Why? Probably because I don't want to. I thought I did. But I think now it's better to just write when I have something on my mind. Like tonight. A lot really.
My wife is on my mind. I can see her sleeping on her stomach, breathing slowly, deeply into the nearly quiet room. Her persistent fan not quite drowning out her respirations. It's interesting how she moves only a couple times each night. Once she's comfortable she stays there until I come to bed. She then rolls over once. A few hours later she rolls over one more time, and again, just before her alarm goes off. I know this from several nights of sleeplessness, watching her. It's a rhythmic pattern, and entirely subconscious. It doesn't matter what time I lay down for the night, THAT is when she chooses to roll over. The other times are almost clockwork.
And on the other end, I toss and turn all night. Never really finding that perfect spot of comfort. This isn't to say one of us gets better sleep, just interesting things I've noted. So different we are and so utterly and completely perfect together. It's like a ballet for which neither of us is really awake. I think it would be intriguing to record it sometime...if only to me.
There is also an overwhelming excitement in my thoughts. Today I received a check from Dad for the first of many classes in photography, Lord willing. I border on giddy, honestly. As stated earlier this month, I don't let myself have dreams. When I do I run so far out ahead of myself, turn and see all the failures I'm sure to have. I ensure that in my mind I could never achieve it, so I don't even try. I'm trying to change that.
For once I'm consciously making the effort to dream one step at a time. It hasn't been easy. Multiple times I've started thinking about the oodles of money I will need to find/acquire just to purchase the basic necessities to function. Problem is, I just signed up for the classes. I'm not even to the other point! This is what happens. So I've forced myself to step back a few paces and focus on the class. It starts August 3rd. Sure it's the fundamentals of photography, but I really think experiencial learning will be better than anything I've read in a book and forgotten a day later.
So it's frustrating when, for once, I'm not shooting myself in the foot and along comes someone else to do so for me. I'm not sure if my sin was getting too excited for a change...or attempting to share it with others. Perhaps I ought to have kept it to myself. And the funny thing is, if the comment had come from a friend rather than a family member, it probably wouldn't have phased me. I get that family will tell you the truth when friends don't always...but ugh. Why's it gotta be family that hurts so?
But no, I gotta focus on the good things, the positives in this. I know Karen is excited for me. She's excited that I'm actually going through with something beyond the first step. I'm past the idea stage. I actually commited to the second step and signed up for classes with the help of my Dad. I'm doing something, damn it.
It also feels good to know that Dad is behind my dreams as well. Don't get me wrong, my dad has been supportive in the past. But it has always seemed that he wanted to either dovetail my dreams into his, or just outright plug me into his. I told him about my desire to take these classes and instead of hearing how my photography would help him, he told me flat out if I needed help paying for the classes, let him know. At the time I didn't believe I would...but then there was an incident with Zachary, a paring knife, his stick and the ER; my youngest, Alex's tuition and the joys of property tax increases hit all at once. So I asked. Dad didn't "help" with the costs. He covered it. That really said and meant a lot to me. I probably ought to thank him a third or fourth time.
First week of August should be awesome. Photography classes, three of four days of GenCon. And hopefully catching up with two old friends from ENHS. Good week indeed. Top that off with the possibility of a part-time job at Alex and Sammie's school, AND that school starts just after that for the kiddies! Woot...practically freakin Christmas!
Dear God, if this is an upswing...let it last. I'm very happy. If this is genuine happiness...well, same request. Amen!
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