Landslide. Mudslide. Tsunami. Really good words for the catastrophic feeling of being tossed about in my emotions right now. So many people in my life are swamped in the world; and I can't fix it.
I'm not what you would call "handy" or anything, but part of my identity as a husband, father and as a man is wrapped up in my ability to fix things. "Daddy, fix it" is probably the one thing said in this house the most. Even more than, "Because I said so," or "Why?" I fix toys. I fix beds. I have even fixed several sinks, a toilet that had mysteriously swallowed a Hot Wheels and Chip the Tea Cup, a cupboard, a garage door sprung from its track, three doors, two broken closet rods and for kicks and giggles, I fixed a partridge in a pear tree. But, since I was raised by my mother, I tend to be able to think like women more than your "typical man." So I fix relationships, problems and emotions too.
I've also been told I have a Messiah complex, especially where youth and women are concerned. I have this need to swoop in and fix the situation and save the people involved as much pain and heartache as possible. If you couple that with seeing my self worth wrapped in the ability to fix things, you can understand the use of overwhelming catastrophe wording at the beginning of the post there. There are so many in my life right now going through so much that I just can't fix. My mother is drowning in her home. My brother is mired in his own existence and doesn't even realize or care that he's held there by his own fears. My baby sister valiantly trudges along against the world of academia trying to find herself along the way, but finds herself crushed under the weight of parental authority by way of manipulation. (Actually, I can fix this one, I'm just not sure if I should...)
And now my wife, my darling, beautiful wife is going through her own hell at work. I keep on the stoic, brave face when she's talking about it all each day. I give her advice, try to analyze the situation from an unbiased perspective and generally be the supporting husband. But I want to fight. I want to go in there and do and say what God did not wire her to do and say. She has always been the "take it and hide it away" type. I've always been the one to voice my opinion the moment I have it, consequences be damned. I don't shy from fights or conflicts. This isn't to say I go out looking for one, but when they come to my door, I will stand toe to toe. Not only do I not shy away from it, let's be really real here, I thrive on conflict. I am "at my best" when situations are fluid and adaptation on the fly is needed, like in the midst of a differing opinion. But Karen is a bit more submissive. Keep the head down, keep working. She's learned from me, to be sure. She stands her ground a little more. But this crap she's going through at work is the result of months of not knowing the "right thing" to say or do. It's built up to the point where she's broken down on far more than one occasion. And so I hold her.
But that's all I can do. I don't have any magic words to fix the situation. I can't even objectively see both sides equally like I have for the past few months. Now I'm seeing red. Her boss has created such a hostile working environment that she brings the stress home. It's closed her down in the family circle. She huddles behind her phone and her laptop because she can't bear to let her projects or team out of her sight lest they become the foci of her boss' ire. And I'm sick of this stuff. Every fiber of my being wants to drive down to Indy, march into her office an demand a face-to-face with her HR and boss and have it down with how my wife deserves to be treated and what she's done for that company. And no, I'm not magnifying her contributions. The work she has done in her first two years has literally saved her company millions in that time. MILLIONS. Each year the savings grow as they continue the work in-house rather than outsourcing to overpaid contract companies. Granted, I'm certain her new boss knows none of that. Maybe now that she's finally had enough and went to see her HR girl, someone will stand up and push back for her. I want it to be me. But I know better. I know I wouldn't fix it. I'm fairly certain I would make it worse. It wouldn't be professional either. But dammit, it's what I want to do. Feel like someone needs a broken lip, bloody nose or a black eye over this. Grrrrrrr...
