I am a mere eight days away from my first photography class. I am still excited, but as the days pass, I become more and more anxious. Anxiety is not good. Anxiety leads to questions, doubts and fears. This is how it always starts with me. Though I do admit I pull some encouragement from the fact that it has taken me a few weeks to get to this step. I have usually already gone through this step in my dreams within hours of first fleshing out my ideas. So maybe I will weather this one for the long haul. Maybe, just maybe I will actually be good enough to call myself a photographer, instead of, "Guy with camera, too much time."
I've already made a mental list of items I will want or need over the coming months/years just to be successful. I then broke those down into four more lists of things I will need soon, things I will want soon, things I will eventually need, but could function on some level without them, and finally, things I will have to have just to take the next series of classes. Next to those lists I made a mental note of all the things I need for the family and home. Chalk that up to the fact that I haven't gotten a call back from the application I submitted to the kids; school system and I'm kind of freaking out. There's a LOT of money to be spent on photography. Thank God I at least don't have to worry about the cost of film and chemicals for processing. Maybe it will all work out. Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to find a good deal on what is actually needed; and I can become good enough to actually call myself a photographer.
Then there's the whole thought process of people telling me I'm wasting my money on classes. They tell me I should read books, check out websites and read forums. But I've done a lot of that. And I really didn't retain nearly as much as I wish I had. I've forgotten more than I actually knew before I started, I think. Perhaps it's that old artist adage of being my own worst critic. That's probably true. I hate even my own self, let alone the work I have produced in the past. The one thing I created that I absolutely loved above all my other works was stolen from my locker my senior year of high school. A little part of me is proud that it was good enough to be stolen. But the other part of me really wishes I could look at it again from time to time. So through all this there is that voice, getting louder as the classes near, telling me I won't be good enough, I won't remember what I need to remember, and I will some how have wasted my father's money because I won't come out of the instruction any better. Maybe my mind will focus and I'll get some really good teaching. Maybe, just maybe, I'll come out the other end smarter, better than I was when I went in; and I can call myself a photographer.
What I really need...or maybe just want, I dunno, is someone that is deep into photography to talk to me. Someone possibly that I don't even know yet. I don't want family. I love you guys, but honestly, you're hardwired to placate my pessimistic and self-depriciating side. You find what you like in the pictures and say "Oh I like that," or "That's a nice one." I want a crictic. Someone that can look at each picture and say what they like, what I did right, and where I can improve. I don't really want friends in that role either. Maybe I have too many sarcastic friends. Both of them. But they love telling me I suck. It's all for laughs, and I know this. I just need an honest, but balanced opinion. That way, maybe I can improve. And maybe, just maybe I can become a photographer. But probably not.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Forget 30 days...
I don't know what I was thinking. I rarely have enough discipline to do things on a daily basis when they HAVE to get done. But to sit down and write when I don't even feel like it? Bah. Forget it. You can tell, too. The entries are pathetic. A couple paragraphs, poorly constructed and barely scratching the depth of what the questions ask.
Why? Probably because I don't want to. I thought I did. But I think now it's better to just write when I have something on my mind. Like tonight. A lot really.
My wife is on my mind. I can see her sleeping on her stomach, breathing slowly, deeply into the nearly quiet room. Her persistent fan not quite drowning out her respirations. It's interesting how she moves only a couple times each night. Once she's comfortable she stays there until I come to bed. She then rolls over once. A few hours later she rolls over one more time, and again, just before her alarm goes off. I know this from several nights of sleeplessness, watching her. It's a rhythmic pattern, and entirely subconscious. It doesn't matter what time I lay down for the night, THAT is when she chooses to roll over. The other times are almost clockwork.
And on the other end, I toss and turn all night. Never really finding that perfect spot of comfort. This isn't to say one of us gets better sleep, just interesting things I've noted. So different we are and so utterly and completely perfect together. It's like a ballet for which neither of us is really awake. I think it would be intriguing to record it sometime...if only to me.
There is also an overwhelming excitement in my thoughts. Today I received a check from Dad for the first of many classes in photography, Lord willing. I border on giddy, honestly. As stated earlier this month, I don't let myself have dreams. When I do I run so far out ahead of myself, turn and see all the failures I'm sure to have. I ensure that in my mind I could never achieve it, so I don't even try. I'm trying to change that.
For once I'm consciously making the effort to dream one step at a time. It hasn't been easy. Multiple times I've started thinking about the oodles of money I will need to find/acquire just to purchase the basic necessities to function. Problem is, I just signed up for the classes. I'm not even to the other point! This is what happens. So I've forced myself to step back a few paces and focus on the class. It starts August 3rd. Sure it's the fundamentals of photography, but I really think experiencial learning will be better than anything I've read in a book and forgotten a day later.
So it's frustrating when, for once, I'm not shooting myself in the foot and along comes someone else to do so for me. I'm not sure if my sin was getting too excited for a change...or attempting to share it with others. Perhaps I ought to have kept it to myself. And the funny thing is, if the comment had come from a friend rather than a family member, it probably wouldn't have phased me. I get that family will tell you the truth when friends don't always...but ugh. Why's it gotta be family that hurts so?
But no, I gotta focus on the good things, the positives in this. I know Karen is excited for me. She's excited that I'm actually going through with something beyond the first step. I'm past the idea stage. I actually commited to the second step and signed up for classes with the help of my Dad. I'm doing something, damn it.
It also feels good to know that Dad is behind my dreams as well. Don't get me wrong, my dad has been supportive in the past. But it has always seemed that he wanted to either dovetail my dreams into his, or just outright plug me into his. I told him about my desire to take these classes and instead of hearing how my photography would help him, he told me flat out if I needed help paying for the classes, let him know. At the time I didn't believe I would...but then there was an incident with Zachary, a paring knife, his stick and the ER; my youngest, Alex's tuition and the joys of property tax increases hit all at once. So I asked. Dad didn't "help" with the costs. He covered it. That really said and meant a lot to me. I probably ought to thank him a third or fourth time.
First week of August should be awesome. Photography classes, three of four days of GenCon. And hopefully catching up with two old friends from ENHS. Good week indeed. Top that off with the possibility of a part-time job at Alex and Sammie's school, AND that school starts just after that for the kiddies! Woot...practically freakin Christmas!
Dear God, if this is an upswing...let it last. I'm very happy. If this is genuine happiness...well, same request. Amen!
Why? Probably because I don't want to. I thought I did. But I think now it's better to just write when I have something on my mind. Like tonight. A lot really.
My wife is on my mind. I can see her sleeping on her stomach, breathing slowly, deeply into the nearly quiet room. Her persistent fan not quite drowning out her respirations. It's interesting how she moves only a couple times each night. Once she's comfortable she stays there until I come to bed. She then rolls over once. A few hours later she rolls over one more time, and again, just before her alarm goes off. I know this from several nights of sleeplessness, watching her. It's a rhythmic pattern, and entirely subconscious. It doesn't matter what time I lay down for the night, THAT is when she chooses to roll over. The other times are almost clockwork.
And on the other end, I toss and turn all night. Never really finding that perfect spot of comfort. This isn't to say one of us gets better sleep, just interesting things I've noted. So different we are and so utterly and completely perfect together. It's like a ballet for which neither of us is really awake. I think it would be intriguing to record it sometime...if only to me.
There is also an overwhelming excitement in my thoughts. Today I received a check from Dad for the first of many classes in photography, Lord willing. I border on giddy, honestly. As stated earlier this month, I don't let myself have dreams. When I do I run so far out ahead of myself, turn and see all the failures I'm sure to have. I ensure that in my mind I could never achieve it, so I don't even try. I'm trying to change that.
For once I'm consciously making the effort to dream one step at a time. It hasn't been easy. Multiple times I've started thinking about the oodles of money I will need to find/acquire just to purchase the basic necessities to function. Problem is, I just signed up for the classes. I'm not even to the other point! This is what happens. So I've forced myself to step back a few paces and focus on the class. It starts August 3rd. Sure it's the fundamentals of photography, but I really think experiencial learning will be better than anything I've read in a book and forgotten a day later.
So it's frustrating when, for once, I'm not shooting myself in the foot and along comes someone else to do so for me. I'm not sure if my sin was getting too excited for a change...or attempting to share it with others. Perhaps I ought to have kept it to myself. And the funny thing is, if the comment had come from a friend rather than a family member, it probably wouldn't have phased me. I get that family will tell you the truth when friends don't always...but ugh. Why's it gotta be family that hurts so?
But no, I gotta focus on the good things, the positives in this. I know Karen is excited for me. She's excited that I'm actually going through with something beyond the first step. I'm past the idea stage. I actually commited to the second step and signed up for classes with the help of my Dad. I'm doing something, damn it.
It also feels good to know that Dad is behind my dreams as well. Don't get me wrong, my dad has been supportive in the past. But it has always seemed that he wanted to either dovetail my dreams into his, or just outright plug me into his. I told him about my desire to take these classes and instead of hearing how my photography would help him, he told me flat out if I needed help paying for the classes, let him know. At the time I didn't believe I would...but then there was an incident with Zachary, a paring knife, his stick and the ER; my youngest, Alex's tuition and the joys of property tax increases hit all at once. So I asked. Dad didn't "help" with the costs. He covered it. That really said and meant a lot to me. I probably ought to thank him a third or fourth time.
First week of August should be awesome. Photography classes, three of four days of GenCon. And hopefully catching up with two old friends from ENHS. Good week indeed. Top that off with the possibility of a part-time job at Alex and Sammie's school, AND that school starts just after that for the kiddies! Woot...practically freakin Christmas!
Dear God, if this is an upswing...let it last. I'm very happy. If this is genuine happiness...well, same request. Amen!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Day Five: Something you hope to do in your life
That's easy. Hold grandchildren. Lots of them. Daily, weekly, I don't care, as long as they are close.
I love babies. Always have. They find me interesting, in that they've never seen anything quite so insane, and I just love them all over. The toes, the hair, fingers eyes and noses. Love em. Doc cut us off at four kids, and I've made peace with that. So now I'm just waiting on great-nieces and nephews...which bide my time till grandbabies. God willing I hope my children have as much a desire for medium to large families as I did. Then it will be grandbabies everywhere! And Granddad will be offering free baby-sitting if they live close. :)
Note to kids: when they start mouthing off though, they're out and on your dime!
I love babies. Always have. They find me interesting, in that they've never seen anything quite so insane, and I just love them all over. The toes, the hair, fingers eyes and noses. Love em. Doc cut us off at four kids, and I've made peace with that. So now I'm just waiting on great-nieces and nephews...which bide my time till grandbabies. God willing I hope my children have as much a desire for medium to large families as I did. Then it will be grandbabies everywhere! And Granddad will be offering free baby-sitting if they live close. :)
Note to kids: when they start mouthing off though, they're out and on your dime!
Day Four: Something you have to forgive someone for
Ooops? Issok...only two people actually read this, eh? :)
I would say that I need to forgive my father for manipulating his own son. I can down play the whole thing as it's just how he is, but it never ausages the anger. He did have a very rough and brutal first few years before coming to live with and be adopted by Grandma and Grandpa Hoover. And his mastery of manipulation was his defense mechanism. What hurt so much was when it finally dawned on me about four years ago that he was manipulating me. Sure the guilt trips were obvious...but my father is nothing if not subtle. Obvious is when he thinks you aren't getting it.
So yeah, it's hard to come to grips with the fact that I was merely a pawn in his machinizations. A piece moved when he needed it to be to cover another move or advance his agenda. And it still hurts. Letting that hurt go has been very difficult, made harder by the fact that he has always prided himself on how well he manipulates people.
I would say that I need to forgive my father for manipulating his own son. I can down play the whole thing as it's just how he is, but it never ausages the anger. He did have a very rough and brutal first few years before coming to live with and be adopted by Grandma and Grandpa Hoover. And his mastery of manipulation was his defense mechanism. What hurt so much was when it finally dawned on me about four years ago that he was manipulating me. Sure the guilt trips were obvious...but my father is nothing if not subtle. Obvious is when he thinks you aren't getting it.
So yeah, it's hard to come to grips with the fact that I was merely a pawn in his machinizations. A piece moved when he needed it to be to cover another move or advance his agenda. And it still hurts. Letting that hurt go has been very difficult, made harder by the fact that he has always prided himself on how well he manipulates people.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day Three: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Betcha thought I forgot today, eh?
I've a whole bunch of things. Isn't that always the case though? I'm not sure with everyone else, but I know I have always had a hard time forgiving myself for the things I've done. But perhaps the one I am most angry with myself is how I treated my mother growing up.
Don't get me wrong, my mother wasn't perfect. She made mistakes like any mother would. But she did her best with what life had given her. The problem lies in the fact that I was so arrogant to believe the one man in my life wouldn't manipulate his own son. And I fell for, and accepted everything he said in relation to my mother. I bought it all. And I turned it on a woman would would love me over anything.
There was a time in my youth when I would tell you I hated my mother. Everything she said and did I was immediately against. Even when it made logical sense, simply because she said it. All the vile, hateful things fed to me skewed my view of what was really being done for me.
I know Mom has forgiven me...if she even held it against me that is. She even tries to downplay it now, saying I was young and naive. It's sweet of her, but it doesn't really click with me. I did it consciously. I chose to be so angry with her. And it's something I'll probably have to actually face at one time or another in my life.
I've a whole bunch of things. Isn't that always the case though? I'm not sure with everyone else, but I know I have always had a hard time forgiving myself for the things I've done. But perhaps the one I am most angry with myself is how I treated my mother growing up.
Don't get me wrong, my mother wasn't perfect. She made mistakes like any mother would. But she did her best with what life had given her. The problem lies in the fact that I was so arrogant to believe the one man in my life wouldn't manipulate his own son. And I fell for, and accepted everything he said in relation to my mother. I bought it all. And I turned it on a woman would would love me over anything.
There was a time in my youth when I would tell you I hated my mother. Everything she said and did I was immediately against. Even when it made logical sense, simply because she said it. All the vile, hateful things fed to me skewed my view of what was really being done for me.
I know Mom has forgiven me...if she even held it against me that is. She even tries to downplay it now, saying I was young and naive. It's sweet of her, but it doesn't really click with me. I did it consciously. I chose to be so angry with her. And it's something I'll probably have to actually face at one time or another in my life.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Day Two: Something you love about yourself
I thought this one was going to be hard. I mean it's not hard coming up with something about myself that I don't like. But to think of something I love about myself? Yeah. Surprisingly though, I found something rather quickly. I adapt. To whatever is coming at me, whatever is changing around me, different conversations, different situations I can adapt to relate to those around or arrayed against me. This also plays well in my ability to see both sides of an arguement. Doesn't mean I change my mind, but I can truly see both sides.
Adaptation is probably my one defense mechanism that doesn't shame me to take a little pride in it.
Adaptation is probably my one defense mechanism that doesn't shame me to take a little pride in it.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Well this looks interesting...(Day one)
As stated last month the entire purpose of this blog is to get me writing again. I was in FL for a few days (sure I could write about that, but unless you know my wife's family and my penchant for humor that makes sense only to me, certain immature 13 year old boys and drunken hobos, it's just not as funny.) and now am home and sitting down scratching my newly trimmed mane (oh, my hair how I miss your lengthy tresses!) I have no clue what to write.
My goal was never to write daily. However I keep seeing friends and family doing these "blog challenges" or "Facebook challenges." Usually they are niche to a certain genre. Probably because I'm two years behind and all the general daily challenges are old and boring. But I found one I like. I'm stealing from another blogger who stole it from someone else. When I'm done, perhaps I'll write my own daily challenge to keep myself going.
So...onward!
Day 01 -> Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 -> Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day One:
Something I hate about myself. Oh good, a nice, easy, high arching lobbed ball. I've totally got this one. Though, I'm sure this is the case of everyone. It's easy to see our own faults, even if we don't admit them.
I joke a lot about the passage where Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself with "it's a good thing I hate myself, because I can't stand my neighbor." Sadly it's kind of true. Most of the time I loathe me. And not exclusively when I'm going through my downswings emotionally. Even when on my highs I'm not really that fond of myself. The only times I forget to hate myself is when I'm surrounded by my wife's family. I can't really understand why.
Anyway, I had to whittle it down to what I hate most about myself. Otherwise this would have been entirely too long. I hate that I stopped trying. There was a time in my life that I would try nearly anything (except different recipes for cooked carrots. Gross.) just to say I had done it. Somewhere along the way I decided to see all the failures I could accrue rather than the successes I might attain. I kept dreaming big dreams and ideas, but I would start poking holes in them before I even attempted to shoot for the stars.
There is a whole laundry list of reasons for this. But I won't bore you with the details of my life to this point. I've never gotten to that point where I could have a dream, a big dream and start to work towards it without shooting myself in the foot. I have ideas. Grand ideas. And before I have even finished looking at all the wonderful things associated with said ideas, I am finding my faults and failures. I can see a hundred ways that I will fail for every one way I see to succeed. I become encumbered with doubt and shackled to the fear of failure.
Thus, day one, something which I despise about myself. Well that was depressing.
My goal was never to write daily. However I keep seeing friends and family doing these "blog challenges" or "Facebook challenges." Usually they are niche to a certain genre. Probably because I'm two years behind and all the general daily challenges are old and boring. But I found one I like. I'm stealing from another blogger who stole it from someone else. When I'm done, perhaps I'll write my own daily challenge to keep myself going.
So...onward!
Day 01 -> Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 -> Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day One:
Something I hate about myself. Oh good, a nice, easy, high arching lobbed ball. I've totally got this one. Though, I'm sure this is the case of everyone. It's easy to see our own faults, even if we don't admit them.
I joke a lot about the passage where Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself with "it's a good thing I hate myself, because I can't stand my neighbor." Sadly it's kind of true. Most of the time I loathe me. And not exclusively when I'm going through my downswings emotionally. Even when on my highs I'm not really that fond of myself. The only times I forget to hate myself is when I'm surrounded by my wife's family. I can't really understand why.
Anyway, I had to whittle it down to what I hate most about myself. Otherwise this would have been entirely too long. I hate that I stopped trying. There was a time in my life that I would try nearly anything (except different recipes for cooked carrots. Gross.) just to say I had done it. Somewhere along the way I decided to see all the failures I could accrue rather than the successes I might attain. I kept dreaming big dreams and ideas, but I would start poking holes in them before I even attempted to shoot for the stars.
There is a whole laundry list of reasons for this. But I won't bore you with the details of my life to this point. I've never gotten to that point where I could have a dream, a big dream and start to work towards it without shooting myself in the foot. I have ideas. Grand ideas. And before I have even finished looking at all the wonderful things associated with said ideas, I am finding my faults and failures. I can see a hundred ways that I will fail for every one way I see to succeed. I become encumbered with doubt and shackled to the fear of failure.
Thus, day one, something which I despise about myself. Well that was depressing.
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