So Tuesday I had something happen I saw coming a long way off. I'm not going into details in public as it doesn't really matter, please just suffice it to say I was asked to leave the youth ministry in my parish. Leadership and I did not see eye to eye, and we leave it at that.
Those of you that know me know about my driving desire to work with youth. I had "the calling" the summer before my 9th grade year. I knew with absolute certainty that God intended me for youth work. I argued with God over the years about how that was going to look. If you know all or any of that, you also know me well enough to know how well I hold grudges when I'm hurt or angered. I can hold a grudge with the best and the worst of them. And I won't lie, after being told to step away, I was hurt, very hurt and angry. I drove home in a haze, fuming over the thoughts in my mind.
I reached out to a great friend of mine, Nick Nix. This man has been through things in recent years that would test the best of us in the best of times. And when I look to him, I see God's love in all things he does. I'm not saying he's perfect, but he does well in the category of love. He has always seemed to have that insight from God for me. It's probably a lot like when I have insight for others, but can't seem to see God for myself, I imagine. But anyway, he reminded me, yet again, that perhaps this was God's way of encouraging me to stop looking beyond my own threshold. I have four beautiful children God blessed me with. I have four children that I've been raising in the faith with admittedly less excitement than I was giving to my youth kids. And there's something wrong with that. Nick was right. As soon as he said it I felt that assurance that he was right. Instantly the burgeoning hatred abated. I let it go. This is the miracle. Normally I would have held onto that anger so tight that I would have hurt myself eventually. It's something I've done before. For me to "let go" so quickly was like a rap on the skull, a wake-up call as to just how right Nick really was.
But each day I am actually having internal fights with myself. I hear the conscious bitter and nasty thoughts seep in and I have to look to Heaven, beg for help in stomping them back. I refuse to let my anger run away with me. So I am asking for help, those of you that ninja read my stuff. Please keep me and my struggles in prayer. This is a real struggle for me to not let my old ways come back. And as I said, this really is of God to step back. I might not agree with the reasoning I was given, but I do know with my whole heart that it is right and true. My children deserve a better father, and I am seeing that this means more than just proper discipline; it's a "whole Dad" deal.
I rarely ask the Saints for help, as I am still a young Catholic, but in this instance, reaching out to St. Joseph and asking him to pray for me sure seems wise.
St. Joseph, God gave you charge over His most precious gift of Himself, to us, as His Begotten Son. You were entrusted with the protection of not only the Blessed Virgin and Holy Mother, but the protection and duty of raising Jesus to be the man He became. You clearly taught Him to observe and live His Faith. You clearly raised Him as a disciplined child. St. Joseph I ask you to pray for me as I roll along this voyage of personal discovery and become the father my children need. Amen
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